Live Like We're and They're Dying

Have you ever heard the "joke" about the three buddies who were talking about death and dying?

If never, let me share with you.

One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say...LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

This joke led me to listening to a song called "Live Like We're Dying" sung by Kris Allen. The song was originally recorded by Irish pop band The Script as a bonus track in one of their albums. It was written by Mark Sheehan and Danny O'Donoghue of The Script, as well as Andrew Frampton and Steve Kipner, who also produced the song.

I like this part of the song which serve as a powerful reminder to us:

   Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
   If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
   If every second counts on a clock that's ticking 
   Gotta live like we're dying.

   We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

   Turn it all around or to throw it all away
   We gotta tell them that we love them
   While we got the chance to say
   Gotta live like we're dying

The statistics on death are always very impressive - 100 out of every 100 people living on this planet will eventually die.

Things that we cannot control, we leave them to God.  What we can control is how we approach each and every second that God grants us in a day.

We should truly live like we're dying, or rather live like they're dying.

But, who are they?

They are...our friends, our families, our relatives, our teachers and coaches, our enemies, etc. They are anyone and everyone that God puts in our path...and we need to remember that they are dying. We should tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say and truly live like we're dying, with no regrets.

whoever and wherever you are, you know that

I LOVE YOU !!!

Live Like We're Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

Chorus
*
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying
*
 
And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There'll no one on the line, yeah

Repeat Chorus *

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone
You never see a crash till it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it's gone

Repeat Chorus *

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying..

Baking is a Therapy

 

When I am feeling sad... I start to cook and bake. I feel happy when I am baking...

When I was young, I had always been wanting to bake cakes, cookies, tarts, etc. However, last time how could I afford to have an oven, thus just baking cake in the air...

Last year, bought a conventional oven, however had not had any chance of using it till recently when I was back in Singapore.

This was my first attempt in baking...Chocolate Chip Brownie!!!

As I did not understand the baking instruction, e.g preheat oven?, did not know how to use the oven, no proper baking utensils, most of all I am stupid hahaha~, thus top layer became volcano eruption and got burnt, and in the center, like lava, thus kept taking it out and checked then put it in again, in the end supposed to be baking brownie, became cake-like brownie. hahaha~ still edible.

My second attempt was baking wild berry muffin. Final product turned out to be quite good and encouraging.

Then I tried to bake chocolate chip cookies.

Supposed to have 36 2inch cookies, not giant cookies...errhhh...never knew that they expanded !!! I should have separated and baked in 2 rounds.

Supposed to be chocolate chip cookies and not chocolate cookies...errhhh...as when time was up, I touched the cookies, still very soft, thought that they were not cooked, thus extended the time again, and again, never knew that when the cookies were cool, they harden..hahhaha~

Bought a mixer few days ago. Last night, I tried to bake a lemon cake, ended up another volcano eruption again. hahaha~ turned it over and spread the icing sugar on top. Though the end product did not look alike with the picture on the box but still can eat lah~ hahaha~

John 14:27 约翰福音14:27

I remembered once I was feeling down and troubled, my friend used to share with me this verse and brighten me up.  From then onwards, I promise her that I will try to remember it and "use" it when I am feeling troubled and afraid again.

每回当我感到紧张，心中不安，就有如这云海般波涛汹涌，我就会想起于玲曾以约翰福音14:27这句来开解我，我就会尝试静静地坐下来好好地思考与背念这句，使心灵慢慢地得到安宁。。。
 

兰思 : 死后才能获得重生

忘了上次哭是何时，我只晓得刚刚哭过。以为已经蒸发干的泪水，又细细的从眼角流出，无需太多的言语，我能懂它的悲痛。

心情不佳的时候，特别想听音乐。独自一人静静地呆在房间，放下世俗的烦躁，卸下心灵的防备，陶醉于音乐的世界里，感伤的情绪在音符和歌词间流动，静静地品味歌曲带给我的震撼和感动，从中体味到一份安宁的孤独，一份幸福的寂寞。

前几天，脑子里又一直浮现一个意念，很想抛开身生所有的束缚，独自一人离家出走，漫无目的地走得远远的，与世隔绝，让心放空。

常听于玲说人死时也就是与上帝同在的时刻，也就是感到真正的安宁与快乐的时候。

人若活得那么不快乐，为什么不能一开始就依偎在上帝的身边，感受那份安宁，快乐与呵护，何必还要到世间不快乐地活着呢？

来也空空，去也空空。所谓挥挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。。。
眼睛一闭，呼吸一停，一切所拥有的都归零。既然如此，何必那么在意那些荣华富贵，金钱名利，何必那么在意得失多少呢？

在世时，何必认识那么多人，反正到最终，不是个个离开你，你也会离他们而去，增加大家的悲伤与痛苦。

在世时，何必学那么多东西，反正到最终，你也不能把它们一一带走，一切所学的，所知的，会随着年纪而渐渐的忘却，归回有如刚出生的婴孩，对一切一无所知。

我真的不知道来到这世界的真正目的是什么？

是我太愚蠢，还是太聪明，亲手将自己的真心葬送。
无论是亲情，友情还是爱情，我彻彻底底都是个失败者。
为什么人与人之间总是要有戒心？
为什么就不能真诚相待呢？
难道对任何事情都要想得那么深奥吗？

我真的不知道为什么要来到这世界？

我真的希望早点挣脱这沉重累赘的躯壳，让灵魂有如飞奔出鸟笼的小鸟一样，得到解脱，重获自由。

我真的希望能像一只投向火海燃烧的火鸟，死后才能获得重生。

兰思 : 中秋节团圆是属于别人家的。。。

夜了，灯熄了，蜡烛点亮了，独自一人静静地坐在客厅，望出窗外。。。
楼下小孩们兴高采烈地提着灯笼，父母跟随，一家团圆，和乐融融。成了对比。
曾几何时我家能有这和睦相处的一刻呢？

虽然近得同住一个屋檐下，心却远的好比陌路人，几个365天，都没开口了，因一开口，也就是争吵的时候了。所以我选择搬走，我是在选择我自己该走的路吗？还是我在逃避？还是我冷酷无情？
血真的会浓于水吗？

尤其我体内大部分的血曾一次因失血过多而都被“换过”了，流的已不是原本我自己的血了，难道因为这样，亲情也被“换掉”被淡化了？

我不快乐并不代表别人就不应该快乐，在这还是要祝福那些能一家和乐融融团圆过中秋的朋友们“中秋节幸福快乐”。

兰思 ：虚荣心 Vanity

你喜欢名牌吗？
你拥有名牌的衣服，包包，鞋子吗？
你愿意花一大笔钱就为了买名牌物品吗？

每当你在买名牌物品时，老实说，在你真正的心底深处，可否曾想过。促使你想买的原因是因为那物品的实用，还是虚荣心呢？
我一向来对名牌没多大的兴趣，不会追着名牌跑，也不特别喜欢名牌。或许你可能会说我买不起所以“吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸”。
那你就不了解我了。

虽然不是出生于富裕家庭，从小就养成省吃俭用的习惯，只有Necessity而少有Luxury的观念，知道赚钱不容易，所以不可随便挥霍。但多年工作储蓄的钱，如真的想买名牌，还是付得起的，问题是有这个必要，值得吗？

一件100元的名牌衬衫，能包住你的身子，为你取暖。
同样一件10元的普通衬衫，也同样能包住你的身子，以免你受寒，那为什么要花哪额外的钱就为了买那个“LABEL” 呢？

衣 - 无需皮雕大衣，有块布，已是福。
食 - 无需山珍海味，没饿着，已是福。
住 - 无需洋房别墅，有屋檐，已是福。
行 - 无需轿车游艇，脚能走，已是福。

我宁愿有一个价值仅仅10元的皮包，里头装满实实在在数千元的钞票，过得安稳实在。好过有些人打肿脸皮充胖子，带着价值1000元的包包，里头却是空无一物，连一张10元的钞票也没有，虚有其表却债务缠身，何苦呢？

身上所穿的，戴的，用的，这一切的一切，乃身外之物，生未曾带来，死也无法带去，何必那么计较那么挑剔一定要名牌呢？
世界上许多贫苦的孩子需要人们的帮助，为何不把那些你认为多余的钱，用在更有意义，更需要的地方呢？你想想，你不到一秒，连眼睛都不眨一下就花去1000元买个“LABEL”，那笔钱可是贫苦人家三、四个月以上的生活费啊。

人在世上那么的短暂，一切事物都是虚无飘渺的，何必追求荣华富贵，在同一个地球上，大家应该不分你我，都是一家人，能帮多少就帮多少，反正荣华富贵也带不走，何必斤斤计较呢？

Do you like branded stuff?
Do you have branded clothing, bags, and shoes?
Are you willing to spend a large sum of money on luxury goods?

To be honest, whenever you want to buy a branded item, is it because it is really useful to you or just purely vanity?

I have never been interested in branded goods and chased after the "LABEL".
Perhaps you might say "sour grapes" because I can't afford to buy the branded stuff, then you don't really know me at all.

After working for several years and have some savings, if I really wanted to buy any branded stuff, I still can afford to do so, but the real thing is, is it worth? Is it a necessity to have them? No!

I was not born in a wealthy family, however, I have been brought up to be thrifty, necessity vs luxury, understood that every single cent I earned, was hard-earned money, thus would not like to anyhow spend the money unnecessary.

Wearing a $100 branded shirt, can keep you warm.
Wearing a $10 normal similar shirt, will also serve the same purpose.
So, why spend the extra money just to get the "LABEL"?

Clothing - no need any thick wool coats, but just a piece of cloth, I feel thankful.

Food - no need any delicacies, so long as not starving, I feel thankful.

Housing - no need to have bungalow or villa, to be able to have shelter under one roof, I feel thankful.

Transport - no need to own car or yacht, I still can walk, I feel thankful.
I would prefer to have a simple wallet which worth $10, with few thousands of cash inside, then to have a $1000 worth of wallet just for show but contains no cash inside, or facing various debts.

When we came to this world, we were naked and did not have anything with us. Everything that we have, we used, we carried currently, were all just materialistic, in the end everything would turn into dust and ashes, we would not be unable to carry anything along with us upon our death, so why so particular about they have to be branded ?

There are many poor children around the world that need our help, so why not considering spending your money in a more useful and meaningful way?

Just think for a second, you spent $1000 just to buy a "LABEL", which could be one of the poor families' at least 3-4 months cost of living allowances.

Life is short, all things are vague. We all are living on the same planet, we are just one family, we should help each other regardless who we are, where we are.

Various - Shoes, Hairclip, Jasmine, CVC

 

This afternoon, just did not feel like staying inside hotel room doing work, thus decided to go to Kuala Lumpur Chinatown to take a look at latterns which I had promised to buy for my friend, but couldn't find any that was nice.

Went into the Central Market to take a look at those handicraft stuff.

Quite a while had not been buying things already..
Saw this pair of shoes in the market, so nice and unique, liked it so much, thus without any hesitation, bought it. Actually I also liked to buy another pair with different design but too bad, did not have the right size.

 

 

 

Since talking about shopping, guess what are followings? Hair clips! Cute leh?
Bought them when I was in Philippines during Feb this year. I bought two, thought of keeping one for myself and giving the other to that sweet crafter of AAE. But it is still with me as I do not know how to give it to her or where to send to her. hahaha~

 

As for the other clip, I can't use it anymore, or rather at this moment.Why? Because I have cut my hair.
I was angry with my long and curly hair.
Why angry?
Because it make me lose my "precious" earrings.
我伤心的并不单单是那只耳环，而是对它的那一份感情。所以一气之下，就把那头卷曲的长发给“咔嚓”剪短了。

 

The following is a gift from CVC 中文广播电台, which I received beginning of this year.

I have been wearing it whenever I go out, especially overseas... to remind me "all about REAL life"....

I am grateful that I get to know Christian Vision Communications CVC this wonderful international radio network which operates stations all around the world. For me, I listen to its Chinese program, which is very educational and inspirational, I have learned a lot from them.

 

 

 

Passed by Indian temple, bought a string of fragrant jasmine. Lovely.

 

When I was having my lunch, a monk approached me. As usually I did not bring much cash with me, I was left with only 20 Ringgit. I kept 10 Ringgit for the taxi fare back to hotel, and gave him the remaining 10 Ringgit. He thanked me and insisted giving me this bracelet.

 

 

 

 

兰思：惋惜一颗星星的熄灭MJ

一颗星星的熄灭，无法再展露光芒了。。。

离去这世间几个星期的麦克杰逊，无论是报纸、电视、广播、网路等，个个媒体依然有他的新闻。不可否认他的的确确是一位不可多得的天王巨星，他是乐坛的传奇。听过他的歌，也看过他的ＭＴＶ，但不是他的歌迷，只是比较欣赏他唱的几首比较有意义的歌如 “Heal The World”、“You Are Not Alone”、“Black or White”、“Cry”、“Earth Song”、“The Lost Children" 等。

他所承受的歧视是没人能体会的
他所承受的压力是没人能了解的
如果他不那么红，或许就不会惹到那么多人眼红
如果他不那么红，或许就不会有那么多负面新闻
如果他不那么红，或许就会过得更快乐一些些
如果他不那么在意他的外表，或许他能更坦然地面对大家
如果他能过得了 “Accepting Yourself” 那一关，或许他不会那么早离开这世界，或许他会比较快乐。。。

Accepting Yourself =〉you have positively come to terms with the way God has made you and shaped you。

希望他现在能够在天上真正的得到宁静的安息。。。

兰思：交友好比飞不回来的BOOMERANG

 

你有玩过 BOOMERANG 迴旋鏢？

你晓得每次丢出去的 BOOMERANG，它总会返回原处让你接的吗?

你知道如果每次你丢出去的是一个无法盘旋回来的 BOOMERANG，你的心情会是如何？
是丢的方式错了？还是力道不足或过火了，使到飞出去的BOOMERANG，无法自动地盘旋回让你接？

交友好比玩BOOMERANG ，至少是我自己的状况，不是我一厢情愿把人家当朋友，别人就理所当然地一定地成为朋友的。这方面，我不晓得是我那里做错了，又或者是我做得不够，以至人家没感觉到诚意，又或者是我做得过火了，导致人家厌烦退步三尺？

我真的不知该怎样着手来经营这份所谓的“友情”（如果还算是的话），还是我根本一开始就彻底的失败了。


朋友。。。
不一定合情合理，但一定知心知意；
不一定形影不离，但一定心心相惜；
不一定锦上添花，但一定雪中送炭；
不一定常常联络，但总会放在心上！

曾读过有位作家汤姆·拉思的文章，他认为以下八种朋友是一生中必不可少的。

而你已拥有了哪几种了呢？

无论如何，即使你只拥有其中的一种，你也是比我幸福的。。。

因这一生我还不确定我是不是有了这些朋友，还是还在寻找中。。。

一。成就你的朋友：
他们会不断激励你，让你看到自己的优点。

 这类朋友也可称之为导师型。他们不一定是你的师长，但他们一定会在某些领域具有丰富的经验，能经常在事业、家庭、人际交往等各方面给你提供许多建议。人生中拥有这种朋友会成为你最大的心理支柱，也常常会成为能够“左右”你的“偶像”。

二。支持你的朋友：
一直维护你，并在别人面前称赞你。

这类朋友可谓是“你帮我，我帮你”，相互打气，使得彼此多成为对方成长的垫脚石。在一个人的成长过程中，朋友的支持与鼓励是最珍贵的。当你遇到挫折时，这类朋友往往可以帮你分担一部分的心理压力，他们的信任也恰恰是你的“强心剂”。

三。志同道合的朋友：
和你兴趣相近，也是你最有可能与之相处的人。

与他们在一起，会让你有心灵感应，俗称“默契”。你会因为想的事、说的话都与他们相近，经常有被触摸心灵的感觉。和他们交往会帮助你不断地进行自我认同，你的兴趣、人生目标或是喜好，都可以与他们分享。这种稳固的感受“共享”会让你获得心理上的安全感，因为有他们，你更容易实现理想，并可以快乐地成长。

四。牵线搭桥的朋友：
认识你之后，很快把你介绍给志同道合者认识。

这类朋友是“帮助型”的朋友。在你得意的时候，他们的身影可能并不多见；在你失意的时候，他们却会及时地出现在你面前。他们始终愿意给予你最现实的支持，让你看到希望和机会，帮助你不断地得到积极的心理暗示。

五。给你打气的朋友：
好玩、能让你放松的朋友。

有些朋友，当我们有了心事，有了苦恼时，第一个想要倾诉的对象就是他们。这样的朋友会是很好的倾听者，让你放松，在他们面前，你没有任何心理压力，总能让你发泄出自己的“郁闷”，让你重获平衡的心态。

六。开阔眼界的朋友：
能让你接触新观点、新机会。

这类朋友对于人生也是必不可少。他们可谓是你的“大百科全书”。这类朋友的知识广、视野宽、人际脉络多，会帮助你获得许多不同的心理感受，使你成为站得高、看得远的人。

七。给你引路的朋友：
善于帮你理清思路，需要指导和建议时去找他们。

这类朋友是“指路灯”。每个人都有困难和需要，一旦靠自己力量难以化解时，这类朋友能最及时、最认真地考虑你的问题，给你最适当的建议。在你面对选择而焦虑、困惑时，不妨找他们聊一聊，或许能帮助你更好的理顺情绪，了解自己，明确方向。

八．陪伴你的朋友：
有了消息，不论是好是坏，总是第一个告诉他们。他们一直和你在一起。

这种朋友的心胸像大海、高山一样宽广，不管何时找他们，他们都会热情相待，并且始终如一地支持你。他们是能让你感到满足和平静的朋友，有时并不需要他们太多的语言，只是默默地陪着你，就能抚平你的心情。

 

兰思：放下。执著

最近听于玲的节目做测试，都相当的准确。的确，我是个有原则的人，凡事要求达到十全十美，对于负责任的态度也较一般人来得强硬些，有些顽固。而且，原来还是一个性情中人，任何事感动都会痛哭流涕。也一个很怕寂寞的人，一旦寂寞，悲伤的情绪就会涌上来，一个人独处发呆。

从小还以为对某件事抱着执著的心态，坚持自己的信念是好的。。。但随着年龄增长，却反而要学会如何放下执著，将自己抽离出来，找回原来的自己，这是不是很矛盾？

这个世间，所有一切的人与事，全都是虚假的，不是真的。特别是人与人之间的相处，我对人家好，一心一意把人家当朋友，人家并不以为然，根本并不把我当朋友看待，也许被人家蒙在鼓里看不起，还不晓得地沾沾自喜，这一切我没一丝的怨意，所以没有什么好执着的，还是学会一个人独处，学会孤独，静下心来，走进自己，了解自己的心。

我尝试走在阳光里，但我毕竟还是失败了，我想我还是属于黑夜的。黑暗是必然的，不变的，我再度拥抱它，回归宁静的夜晚，感觉自己的存在，听自己的心跳。。。

兰思：败犬 - 为什么那么贬低自己？

前阵子从网上收听于玲的“随心所欲”节目，谈到近期很In的话题“败犬”，并聊起一位女性朋友眼看着周遭的朋友一个一个都找到伴侣，有归宿了，觉得有点颓丧纳闷，为什么自己还是孤家寡人一个。她的心情我少许能体恤，因也是过来人，也曾同样经历过这个阶段。

如果我认识那位朋友，我真的很诚恳地想简短地告诉她：
“其实你还很年轻，不必太担心，一切顺其自然，随缘。God has a plan for your life。。。If God has called you to be single,then accept it. If he has not called you to be a lifetime of singleness, then keep praying the right person will come into your life  sooner or later. 最最重要的是，千千万万不要为了结婚而结婚，因为 there is something far worse than being unmarried。。。that is，being married unhappily。”

因媒体和影视作品的炒作，“败犬”二字频频出现。
何谓“败犬”？
“败犬”这个词是出自于日本女作家酒井顺子写于2003年底的畅销书——《败犬的远吠》的缘故。
她认为：
女人只要过了适婚年龄，即使她美丽又能干，还是单身，就是"败犬"!
女人只要到了适婚年龄，即使她平庸又无能，只要结婚，就是"胜犬"!

我却不认同她的说法。为什么那么贬低自己女人呢？难道真的不结婚就是注定是失败者，结了婚就一定是胜利者吗？

这只是日本传统社会对于女性的二分法思考，女人就应该结婚生子，三从四德地呆在家相夫教子。但在现今社会里，随着女性劳动率提升，这已经很难行得通了。

以下是在网上看到败犬的几个特征：
= 可以靠自己的力量达到某种程度的收入。全心投入工作，离婚姻也越来越远。
= 很在意与异性邂逅的方式。喜欢自由恋爱更胜于相亲，因为败犬将自己的价值感与被他人喜爱、受欢迎的程度划上等号。
= 兴趣狂热(舞蹈、旅行、乐器、手工艺成瘾症)。
= 三十岁世代所发起的日本文化回归现象兴盛。因为经济不虞匮乏，对许多原本年纪较大时才有金钱与时间余裕去做的事，也能即刻去做了。
= 装扮既不寒酸也不邋遢，斥资不菲、有品味正是最典型的败犬装扮。
= 跟那些与社会目光几乎绝缘的家庭主妇不同，败犬长期处于「被观察」的状态，并在社会目光的注视下活到现在，因此练就一身完美的装扮工夫。
= 生活模式类似老年人。
= 既可怕又天真。嫉妒年轻人。

Anyway，不妨去看看世界各个城市的离婚率，再重新思考谁才是真正的失败者，谁才知真正的胜利者也无妨。。。

兰思 - 自由 - freedom

我喜欢鸟儿
我喜欢鱼儿
我喜欢动物

我喜欢看在天空中自由自在飞翔的鸟儿
而不是一只只被困在鸟笼里的囚鸟
我喜欢看在荒野中逍遥自在奔跑的动物
而不是一只只被困在铁笼里的傀儡
我喜欢看在大海里自由窜游快活的鱼儿
而不是一只只被定格在水箱里的呆头鱼

人们为什么那么自私残忍
难道就因为你们是人类
自以为是最高等的群类
为了满足自己无理的欲望
就有权夺走别类的自由，主宰它们的命运吗？

为什么要有飞禽公园？
为什么要有水族馆？
为什么要有动物园？

鸟儿们是属于天空的
鱼儿们是属于大海的
动物们是属于大自然的

所以我
不喜欢飞禽公园
不喜欢水族馆
不喜欢动物园

每回去参观这些地方，都会有一个念头，很想打开所有的笼子和箱子，让它们奔向属于它们自己自由的天地。


I like birds
I like fish
I like animals

I like to see birds flying freely in the sky
Not those being captured in the cage
I like to see fishes swimming gracefully in the sea
Not those living in the limited area tank
I like to see animals running wildly in the jungles, in the woods
Not those being locked behind bars

Why are people so selfish and cruel
Just because you are human being,
You have the right to take away others' freedom?

Why should there be bird park?
Why should there be aquarium?
Why should there be zoo?

Birds belong to the sky
Fish in the sea they are
Animals belong to nature

Therefore, I
Do not like bird park
Do not like aquarium
Do not like zoo

Every time when I visit these places, I have the urge to unlock all the cages to set the birds and animals free so that they can return to where they suppose to belong.

今晚，我哭了 I cried tonight

 

今天朋友的生日，我应该感到高兴。

明天我即将回国，我应该感到兴奋。

但不知为什么，我哭了，今晚，我竟然哭了，一个人在酒店房间里，哭了一个小时。

自去年十月以来，我没这样稀里哗啦地大哭一场了。。。

是一种失落，还是一种发泄，又或是一种解脱？我不知道。

我开始哭是因为我无法从网上收听到我喜欢听的“聆听夜语”节目。

我又不是第一次无法收听节目，之前的都一一能“熬过”，但就是今晚，我被打败了。

我不求家财万贯，不求成名利就，不求朋友成群，只求能顺顺利利地听我所爱听的节目，难道这是一种奢侈的要求吗？为什么这样微不足道，小小的要求，上帝都不能让我如愿以偿呢？

原本是搭今晚的飞机回国，但时间与节目撞击，因不想错过夜晚节目，就安排明天回国。

傍晚赶紧离开客户的地方回酒店，买钟点上网，但谁知，广播台的服务器还是无法连接得上，我从七点就开始尝试，直到八点，八点十五分，我开始崩溃了，我突然像泄了气的气球，一击无法收拾，一边哭一边继续尝试。直到十点，我放弃了。

或许无法听到“聆听夜语”只是促使我哭的所谓“导火线”，而真正原因是这几个月来的紧张压迫生活，让我接二连三地不停奔波劳累，喘不过气来，压抑许久的压力怒气无法释放出来，因此，借此机会把它们全都发泄出来。

对不起，我不想这样的。

今晚没有“聆听夜语”的陪伴，周围显得一片死寂，冷清。。。

Today, a friend's birthday, I should be happy.
Tomorrow I am going home, I should be excited.
But I do not know why, I cried tonight, alone in the hotel for an hour.

Since October last year, I had not been crying so badly. . .
Is a loss, or a vent, or a relief? I do not know. . I started to cry just because I was unable to listen to my favourite program from the Internet.

This is not the first time I can not listen to the program, I was able to "get through" everything, but tonight, I was defeated.

I do not seek wealthiness, do not hope for success on the fame and fortune, do not wish to have bunches of friends, but just simple as able to listen to the program every night. Is it really a luxury request? If not why does God unable to fulfill my tiny request?

I changed my return flight from tonight till tomorrow so that I would not miss the program. I left the customer place earlier so as to rush back to hotel to subscribe to internet access service and listened to program. However the broadcasting stations was down and not available for connection. I started trying the connection from 7:00 pm till 8:00 pm, 8:15 pm, and I began to collapse, as though like a deflating balloon, started to pour out.

Unable to listen to program might be just one of the reasons that brings me to tears, it could be the tension over the past few months, one after another non-stop exertion, unable to breathe, long suppressed anger and pressure, therefore, taking this opportunity to vent out all of them

I am so sorry about this emotional thing.

 

Hello..Busy..Sick..SeeYou

 

 

To all my dearest friends who still remember me, :)
First of all I would like to thank you all for the March birthday wishes.

There is nothing better than receiving those warm wishes from all of you, Thanks n Hugs.

Trust me I have not forgotten you at all, just because of my health problem and also that I am tied up with work, can't even have my own time to do my own things and the things that I like to do.
Remember I ever mention about my new place, now it is still not completed yet as I am always not around to finish it.
I can't have the luxury time to come here as often as I wish to.
I have so many things in my mind, so many thoughts that I want to share with you but ... I just hope to find some time in June to fulfill them all.

Mid Dec - End Dec : Sydney
Mid Jan - End Jan : Philippines
Mid Feb - Mid Mar : Philippines
Mid Mar - Mid Apr : Indonesia
End Apr - Early May : US
Early May - End May : Indonesia
End June - Mid July : Malaysia

Looking at the schedule, you might not believe it, but it is true, that is my travel schedule for the past few months, and next month. I have not been resting well, but traveling from one place to another, rushing for 1 customer to another. The crazy tight schedule, work task, stress and pressure have been killing lots and lots of my brain cells...and I fall sick again... I am having cough, flu, sore throat, back ache and today even worst having gastric, have been lying on hotel bed for the whole day. :(

Next week will be a busy week again and will require to work at odd hours again (some days in the day time and some days in the night throughout)...sigh...

Take care my dear till we meet again.

Love always,
Dreamz

I just want to read ...

 

Why?

Why do I work?

Why do I need to work?

Why do I need to work so hard?

 

Why do I need to work so hard and make myself so busy and unhappy?

 

Why?

 

Why should I spend more than one third of my precious limited 24 hours doing the job that does not give me the fulfillment, enjoyment and achievement feelings anymore?

 

I don't like to play politics in company, I won't do any sweet talk to anyone.

 

Please don't always blame on others and jealous of female colleagues, it is not that I am good, but more of you should upgrade and improve yourselves to take up the challenge.

 

I am not interested at all. If you want anything, just take it. I won't be bothered.

 

I have been struggling for past few months and just started to walk out from the misery, I really don't wish to be beaten by it so fast.

 

I just want to live a simple life, having more time on my own doing the things that I really like reading, drawing, listening to music.

 

You may think that I am crazy, but I just can't help it.

 

Is it true that when one is unhappy, stressed or depressed, he/she tends to spend money buying thing that he/she likes to release the stress and unhappiness?

 

Following are some books that I have bought within last 5 months, and have read quarter of them.

These few days I started to buy again ...

 

 

 

飞鸟。寂寞。我。

 

 

 

 

       

I am Still Alive . . .

 

To all my dear friends and whoever still care for me ...
Just in case you may think that I am dead ...
I am still alive ...

 

 

It has been a long long time since the last time (Oct 2008) I log in to Multiply...

I have refrained myself from logging in,  till the day when I think I have decided and seriously prepared to carry on with my life... 

and here I am ...

Life for the past few months is like taking a roller-coaster ride.
Up and down, fast and slow, spinning and twisting ...

Although I have to face it all by myself
However, I know that I am not alone ...

I'm so thankful that I get to know a bunch of wonderful friends here who always give my encouragement and support to carry on

I Really Thank You and Miss You So Much...

Please give me some time, I will get back to each and every one of you. When I have the time, will also share with you what I have gone through for the past few months...

26th Jan is the Chinese New Year, and now, is nearly 5:30 am (sleepless night again...) in the eve of Chinese New Year.

Yes, in a few hours time, I will be flying back to Singapore for the Chinese New Year :), reaching home at around 7:00pm, just in time for the reunion dinner.

 

Happy Lunar New Year !

新年快乐
Gong Xi Fa Cai !

恭喜发财

如果我说错了什么，请你原谅。If I Have Said Something Wrong, Please Forgive Me

 

 

 

Is this a silent protest? I do not know.
Have I said something wrong? I do not know.
Have I said something that I should not say? I do not know.
Have I said something that makes you angry? I do not know.

I have given it a deep thought for a while. . .
I really do not know. . .
If I really have said something that hurts you,
I apologize to you. You know I don't mean it.

All I know is, I have said out.
All I know is, with the courage, I have said out.
All I know is, what my heart wants to say, I have said out.

If I know that I have said something that has messed up everything,
I'd rather not to have that sense of courage.
If I know that I have said something that has created more pain,
I'd rather not to have said anything.
If I know that I have said something that has offended you,
I'd rather bury those words deep inside my heart forever.
As most important,
I do not wish to cause any harm to you. . . not even the slightest harm.
"Sorry, please forgive me."

我能活出我自己吗？

  

 

 

Do you know?

I escape from reality again, hide myself in my own planet. . .

There are too many matters pressure on me that I am unable to withstand anymore.

Would like to abandon a few of them, but cannot make a decision
Thus I do not know since when,
In every journey, my teardrops unable to control and roll continuously in the eye socket. . .

Every time at work, my sight slowly covered by a layer of tears gradually become blurred. . .

In every night time, my tears slowly flow off and wet the pillow. . .

In nobody corner, my tears will pour out of wept like a child. . .

I really do not want to be in such situation. . .  I really do not want. . .

Am I too persistent, stubborn and always go to a dead end?
Am I worried too much?

Perhaps I do not trust other people, or I do not have self-confidence at all
Perhaps I am too indecisive, considering too much that unable to make up my mind,
Now only ends up with a situation where lead to the former road of no return.


Do you know?

This time, I'm really very bothersome, very annoying, the mood has already fallen to the valley.

Once more, I inexplicably fall into that melancholy abyss, and unable to extricate myself.

Not that I never attempt with the aid of the positive thought and strength to overcome that sadness,
trying to pull myself out of this difficult hopeless situation.

However, it does not help at all, instead let me
Feel the pain becoming more and more unbearable each time,
Bog down even deeper and deeper each time.

No matter how much I strive to inspire myself, comfort myself,
I still unable to walk out of the labyrinth which I have created myself.

I am really lost. . . Like the timid child feeling so helpless . . .

I almost about to crumble. . . The chest is unable to breathe in the stabbing pain. . .

I have no energy to do anything. . . Just want to hide in the dark groomy corner. . .

I start to give up everything in despair. . .Even want to give up my life. . .


Please guide me, how should I walk out of myself?

 

如果。选择。If ... Choice ...

 

 

 

If I can choose
I prefer not come to this ruthless world
I hate every devil's face behind the angel mask
But I do not get to choose.

If I have a choice
I will not choose to deprave in this vulgar city
Return to Innocence, I aspire to live in the village of simple life
But I have no choice.

If I can choose
I will never choose to become a member of this broken family
If I still consider that is a "family"
But I cannot choose.

If I have the opportunity to choose again
I will choose not to know those people who I feel deeply regret with
So that my heart will not be hurt once again and again
But I do not have the opportunity.
If I have to choose
I would choose the blessings given to those more in need
Just let me alone to bear all the sufferings
But can I choose?

If I want to choose
I immediately discard the negative selection in the hearts and minds of a heavy body
This is no longer a lingering left in the world so that the soul free
But will I really be released?